I'm just me.

For some reason, I have an in built self destruct mode. Or that's what it feels like at times. I'm sure I posted a while back about some stomach problems I was having, luckily it got better. Until tonight. Tonight I've spent 4 hours in crippling agony because I was trying to be somebody I'm really not.

Sound extreme? More like stupid. Enter the world of Instagram. I love Instagram, it's my favourite social media platform but it's also damaging. People constantly sharing their amazing days, crafts and dinners. This is what I love about it. Until I seem to get drawn into the world of Vegan/Vegetarian/Raw/80/10/10 diet accounts. I'm not sure how it happens, a repost here and there of someones food that looks amazingly bright and happy and nourishing. Before I know it I've added another 400 accounts to follow for 'inspiration'. Inspiration for what?! I buy a few more cookbooks that I'll never use because it's not really my way of eating to then either keep them on the shelf with the others or send back to Amazon.

This brings me to tonight. I've been meal prepping foods today that I wouldn't normally eat ready for my week of trying to eat vegan/vegetarian this week. I have no idea what must go through my head at times. Maybe I think it's healthier or more virtuous. For my tea tonight I made raw courgette 'spaghetti' with an avocado dressing. I couldn't finish it as it was far too sickly for me. I struggled eating it. An hour later it really didn't agree with me. It wasn't nourishing me from the inside out and I was starving.

I went to bed at 9:30 as I was in so much pain but I'm still awake 2 hours later because I need to cleanse this part of me and delete these accounts from my Instagram before I can settle.

If I'm honest with myself, whenever this happens to me (a couple of times a year) other areas of my life suffer. I'm always looking to be the best mum and wife I can be but when I get sucked in to other lifestyles it's all consuming. It stops. Tonight.

I love home cooked food, cakes and biscuits. I love baking with my boys and whats more, they love doing it. All of this stops when I go down this route.

Tonight I'm making the first step towards self acceptance. I'm just me.