Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Nearly a week on.....

Well it's nearly a week on since my dear Grandad passed away. I'm feeling a lot better than I was last week and I am humbled by the many heartfelt messages I have received on Twitter and Instagram. Thank you all so much for taking the time to send me such warm messages, it really has helped. The funeral is going to take at least 2 weeks as the crematorium is very busy, I'm a bit gutted about this as I need the closure of a funeral if that makes sense?

The boys have been a godsend keeping me busy and making sure I stay strong around them has meant that I'm not moping and feeling sorry for myself.

It's funny really, I don't have many close friends, there are two that I thought I could always rely on, one has just had a baby and had some health issues, she's been amazing support to me but I haven't wanted to "put" on her as she has her hands full and lets be honest, after celebrating a really happy time would you really want a snivelling wreck around you?! I think not lol.

Another 'friend' is someone that I have always helped out whenever things have gotten tough for them. Whenever their youngest son has been ill (we're talking colds and ear infections nothing serious) I've literally abandoned what I've been doing, marched both boys to the shops and then had a cookathon providing meals for a week at a time. I had received numerous messages about how she was worried about me, hasn't stopped thinking about me and if there is anything at all she can do then let her know. Well, this time came on Friday morning. I'd been to the gym, came back and felt really low, it was awful I felt so depressed. I thought if I could pop round with the boys for an hour (she lives next door) then it would not only occupy the boys but also lift me. I text asking if she was around and got a reply straight back to say 'no sorry I'm going out in a bit to run some errands'. Now seriously I'm trying not to be petty and bitter about this but I really can't help it. She has a 2 year old and nearly 6 year old. The 6 year old is in school Could she seriously not of run her errands a bit later? The worst thing for me is that she didn't even ask why/what I needed so as far as she knew I might of had a back log of washing and needed to borrow her machine. This has cut deep with me and as Kenny has said before, actions always speak louder than words and in this instance, this one time in the nearly 10 years that I've known her, is the only time I would of called on her and she shut me down without even asking me what it was I had wanted. I've avoided contact with her at the moment as I'm too hot headed for my own good. The irony is I know she wants me to start looking after her 2 year old to try and break his separation anxiety. Unfortunately that won't be happening now.

I know this has turned into a bit of a rant so sorry if I've bored or depressed you!

Thanks for reading anyway and thanks again for all your support xxx

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

My wonderful grandad.

When I think of my Grandad my first thoughts are of him being a big part of my childhood and being responsible for so many of the happy memories I have.

Every year he and my nan would take my cousin and I camping for a week. We felt like we were travelling the world, mostly because he never drove more than 50mph in his Skoda pulling his trailer tent. Every journey seemed to take hours but we didn't mind as we used the time to plan how we'd save the planet, reduce electricity consumption, decide what we'd be when we grew up and mainly solve the worlds problems. Like you do when you're 10. We'd then have a ball for the week visiting wonderful gardens, William Shakespeare's house and eating far more sweets than we'd ever be allowed to at home. 

Even all these years later as my Grandad retold the stories that we had all heard and experienced first hand, he always said those were the best memories of his life and I always believed him. With us having moved when I was 11 down to Littlehampton and him still living in London we didn't see each other as much as we once had. 

Fast forward to 6 years ago, the morning of my birthday and four months before my wedding. I took a call from my mum to say my Grandad had been driving home from visiting us, his lungs had collapsed and he'd had a heart attack. He was in hospital for 3 months fighting as he didn't want to miss my wedding. Having him there on the 30th June 2007 made the day even more special for me. 

When I had Nathan my Grandad was so happy. We made the decision to move them both down here to be closer to us and to give them a better quality of life. They moved down two years ago and for the first year my Grandad was on cloud nine. I had Ethan and he loved being able to spend time with them often saying they'd lift him up when he felt down. The last six months however had seen a constant bout of infections, kidney failure COPD and limited heart function. 

Ironically Kenny told me to give him a call on Monday and I'm so glad I did. I told him I'd brought the boys the trampoline we'd discussed and he was glad as he didn't want them to miss the good weather that might come soon. When I ended the call I said to my mum how down he sounded. 

My mum called yesterday at 6pm to say my Grandad had had the Paramedics to his warden assisted flat, they had resuscitated him and he was on his way to hospital. 

Luckily for me I live opposite so went straight over and sat with my Nan. Without going into too many details his body had just had enough, there was also a high chance of brain damage as it took do long to bring him back at the flat. They needed to take him off the ventilator and they gave him and hour. We made calls to family members and they started to descend. My nan, mum, sister and I each went in to see him before they took him off of the machines and said our goodbyes. I thanked him for my memories and for sticking around to see my boys for a bit. I told him to rest now and say hi to my great gran for me. I said sorry for taking the mickey when he told me a story he'd told me twenty times before. Most importantly though I told him I loved him. 

Now as I write this and think of my Grandad I think of how much he loved his family. How much he loved my nan and of his loud laugh which led to his big cough. I think of the fun we had camping and how he always let me help cook. And I think how much my nan loves him and how we have to look after her now. My Grandad is all she's ever known and I worry for her. 

I'll leave you with this picture of my Grandad. This is how I choose to remember him. Not how I saw him last night. My heart is heavy and I'm sobbing but I love you Grandad. Goodnight and god bless. 

Love always 

Your Lisa, Kenny and your beautiful great grandchildren Nathan and Ethan. 

Sunday, 12 May 2013

What a bad blogger!

Blimey, we're nearly halfway through the year and I haven't blogged since January! Where has it gone? Doesn't life just really get in the way sometimes?

I'm back and determined to keep going with the blog. I originally started it to keep a log of our comings and going but sort of stopped because I felt it wasn't exciting enough. Crazy right? I mean it probably isn't for most of you but this was for me, for our boys. For us to look back on with fond memories or if I'm having a bad day to express it rather than bottling it all up.

I follow so many blogs where life looks amazingly fun, busy and just generally wonderful. I started feeling I wasn't doing enough, started reading more about what others were doing and getting more and more worn out. I've also changed my diet and exercise regime so everything got on top of me. I was spreading myself too thinly.

What did I do? Had a bath, face pack and painted my nails. I felt better. Like really better. I'd stopped spending time on myself and just had the customary quick shower, cream and dress. Being constantly on the go, constantly feeling like you could be doing more is exhausting. Well not anymore.

I'm taking the time to appreciate the simple things, life's little pleasures. I'm trying not to get stressed over nothing. I've missed being here. Missed going on Twitter for a chat and a laugh!

Well I'm back baby ;-) xx